Hollywood Virgins

US magazine reacted to this slow news week by posting a list of Hollywood virgins. Here they are, along with my commentary about why they are lying to us, or to themselves.

1. Selena Gomez, 16


If you are like me, and had no clue who this girl was, she was primed to be the "next Miley Cyrus" after Disney planned to dump Miley's ass. She acts in a bunch of Disney shows. She wears a purity ring and said "It's something I made a promise to myself about." Oh Selena, everyone knows purity rings only work when you make a promise to your daddy. That's something the next virgin should know a lot about:

2. Miley Cyrus, 15


Your wholesome family image isn't fooling anyone Billy Ray, we all know you're the one behind the camera phone taking those skankilicious pics of Miley and leaking them to the media. And please Miley, we all know that no one who is the nerve to pose in a sheet with their *gasp* shoulders exposed could be a virgin. We're not stupid.

3., 4., 5., Nick Jonas, 15, Joe Jonas, 18, & Kevin Jonas, 20.


I grouped the Jonas Bros. together, because as far as I'm concerned, they're one person. All three wear purity rings. Most noteworthy, however, is Kevin's, which he says is from Tiffany's and is "pretty rock and roll." Actually Kevin, a Tiffany's purity ring is pretty gay. Virginity mystery solved.

6. Julianne Hough, 20


The "Dancing with the Stars" cutie says that "I want to be with that special person. I think to have sex before marriage is an individual [decision]...[waiting] will strengthen that relationship." Oh really, Julianne? You gotta give it up to keep the boys interested. That's what my momma always said.

7. Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson

These two are grouped together because they both met the same fate. Both were good Christian girls and held on to their virginity until they met the perfect guy - J.T for Brit and Nick Lachey for Jessica. When they gave in to evil temptations, they also gave up their careers. Moral of the story isn't to not have sex. Go ahead and be a whore - just don't have sex with douches.

8. Hilary Duff, 20


She got dumped by Joel Madden and is now dating Mike Comrie. She said "[Virginity] is definitely something I like about myself. It doesn't mean I haven't thought about sex, because everyone I know has had it and you want to fit in." Hils, dear. Have you wondered why Joel left you? hmmm?? My momma is a smart woman.

9. Adriana Lima, 26


No girl who can make a face like that is a virgin. Next.

10. Jordin Sparks, 18


Yup, she also wears a purity ring. Cause when you're boring and your major competitors are the Girlicious whores, you need to stand out somehow.

11. Gary Coleman, 39


Gary stands out on this list as perhaps the only real virgin. After all, what 39 year old man would admit that his marriage to 22-year-old Shannon Price didn't include sex? He's also the only person on the list who's virginity is most likely not self-imposed. He ain't wearing no promise ring! Keep your chin up Gary. Your time is coming.

I think the most important question is not whether these celebs are virgins, but whether we should really be concerned about the sex lives of 16-year-olds! Of course not!! We should, however, be concerned about the sex lives of 39-year old men. I mean, come one here.

Don't forget to kiss your promise rings tonight!

-T

Sweden's Basshunter

#1 in the UK is Swedish sensation - Basshunter. His music is Eurodance in nature and his hit single is All I Ever Wanted. His real name is Jonas Erik Altberg and an interesting fact about him is that he has Tourette's syndrome.

Enjoy!

- Biff

And I thought gummy worms were odd

Two men kissing advert pulled

After receiving more than 200 complaints about a Heinz Deli Mayo advertisement in less than a week the advert has been yanked from the tube in the UK.

The entire advert is regular in every way except for featuring a gay household. In it, two kids have their sandwiches packed by one male dad and is referred to as "Mum". Finally, the office-working father enters the kitchen, picks up his prepared lunch, and says, "See you tonight, love." After "Mum" notes that he is forgetting something, the father gives him a quick peck and leaves the house muttering nothing but words o' love.

This scene could have been played out quite easily by a heterosexual couple and no issues would have been raised. Instead, 200 people were revolted at the sight of a loving family with male parents. According to viewers, the ad was "offensive," "inappropriate", and "unsuitable to be seen by children."

Clearly, society is not beyond the gay movement. By yanking their advert, Heinz is indicating that they were in the wrong. But it is OK for people to feel uncomfortable by particular social interactions. Not long ago people also cringed when they saw minorities and then biracial couples on television. These feelings of unease signal to people that they need to reflect upon themselves and determine how the advertisement conflicts with their belief-systems. This process will ultimately cause a re-shifting in thinking as people consciously or unconsciously attempt to alleviate the uneasiness that they feel.

Complaint letters are an ineffective and superficial way of dealing with this conflict because it offers no long-term resolution. It only prolongs how long a person will have to eventually deal with the fact that a male couple are capable of not only loving each other but also of effectively raising a family.

Kudos to Heinz for being bold and challenging our beliefs regarding the definition of "family". However, just as gay men and women hold hands despite the snickering, name-calling, or worse, so too must Heinz hold its head up high with pride for those who can't.

- Biff

This weekend in T.O.

Drunken Queens – The Annual Drinks Show brings together the very finest bartenders, liquors and cocktails. Friday-Saturday 5:00-11:00. Queen Elizabeth Building, Exhibition Place. $25. http://www.artofdrink.com/

Superreal Life – Much-buzzed comedy based on the sub-celebrities of reality TV. Get tickets fast, if you want them, as this one is primed to sell out. Friday-Saturday-Sunday 7:30. Tranzac. $15. http://www.queensplayerstoronto.com/

On screen – The Fox Theatre in the Beaches is running an all-night horror movie marathon. Films to be screened include the notorious Dead Alive and something called Danish Pastries. Sat. 11:30 pm start. Fox. http://www.foxtheatre.ca/

Video Games Live – Orchestrated video game themes are preformed to amusing videos. There is also a Guitar Hero competition and video game demos. Friday 8:30, Younge-Dundas Square. Free. www.futureshop.ca/vgl

Madonna Saved Me – Salutes to divas in the form of comedy, art and sundry followed by a dance party entitled ‘Madonna’s Afterbirth’. Drag Queen plays the afterbirth. Seriously. Friday 8:00. Buddies in Bad Times. $15. http://www.artsexy.ca/

Foodshare Barndance – Dosey-does and market food. Sat. noon-5:00. 90 Croatia St. Free. No website (it’s a barn, yo).

The Big Festival – Bloordale (the stretch of Bloor between Christie and Lansdowne) has its first street festival. All the regular street festival stuff – food, bands, people selling necklaces, buskers – will be there. There will also be a really long table with food from local restaurants. Sat 1:00-9:00, Bloor Street, Free. Bigonbloor.com

Chronologic – Regular dance party which plays hits in order, one decade per hour. Saturday 10:00. The Boat. $5.

Pedestrian Sunday – Kensington shuts down and brings out its very best organic soy-hemp cookies.

The Queen’s Plate – This is definitely the most snobby sounding of Canada’s Triple Crown horse races. I encourage you to attend, but only if you dress formally and eat crumpets whilst there. Sunday 5:05 (although there are races beginning at noon), Woodbine Racetrack, $15 for grandstand seats. http://www.queensplate.com/

- BP

Who didn't have sex with Princess Di?

Paul Burell already made lots of cash on the late Princess Diana. Now he has shocking new revelations thanks to a family member! The ex-royal butler boasted to his brother-in-law that he was Princess Diana's on-call sex booty 24/7! And was engaged in "kinky" sexy!

According to his brother-in-law, “Burrell said Diana was so demanding. And he told me he’d caught the Queen naked.”

"He said they did it in the bedroom, the bath, everywhere. He claimed Diana liked to be domineering.

"Paul told me that he'd get a call from Diana in the middle of the night specifically to have sex with her. He said she was very sexually demanding—'a bit ****ing kinky' were his words"

I'm waiting for Fergie (the Royal not the singer) to come out with a book about her and Diana's secret lesbian encounters.

- Biff

Justin Timberlake is hung?

According to Mike Myers, who co-stars and directs the film, Justin Timberlake was packin' when he was in those speedos for The Love Guru. Myers claimed that Jusin "left nothing to the imagination."

Shameless!

Myers went on to say that they had to do a lot of special effects to reduce the size.

- Ugh. TMI for me. Biff.

Celebs' aliases revealed

Celebs are so clever. One doesn't have to look far for numerous examples of their intellectual prowess. They name their kids creative names (e.g., Jessica Alba's new baby, Honour), say intelligent things (e.g., Sharon Stone's karma comment regarding China's earthquake), and even attempt to deceive the media (e.g., Pete Wentz vehemently denying Ashley's pregnancy).

Celebs even come up with creative and profound aliases! Afterall, if they were to use their real name their cover would definitely get blown.

Can you guess the stars who belong to these aliases? We'll reveal tomorrow.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is _________ (no, not Arnie).

B. Simpson is ______________________________.

Justin Case (har har) is _______________________.

Previous Answers:

Dr. Winston O'Boogie was John Lennon
J.T. Smith is John Travolta.
Tinkerbell is none other than Paris Hilton.
Bruce Pilaf is Brad Pitt.
Mrs. Ross Vegas was Jennifer Aniston (while dating Brad).
Prince Albert or Harry Bollocks is Ozzy Osbourne.
Mr. Stench/Mr. Donkey is Johnny Depp.
Sigourney Beaver is Kate Beckinsale.
Charlie Chester is Prince Charles.
Jasmine Pilaf is Angelina Jolie.
Matthew Paige or Matthew Carlsson-Page is Matt Damon.
Holly Golightly is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Zelda Zonk was Marilyn Monroe.

- Biff

Italian make you horny?

Ciao Toronto!

Do you have dinner plans for tonight (or anytime this weekend)? Well screw them and come on out to Toronto's Taste of Little Italy. Who doesn't love a hot and hung Italian? Only four bucks! And if Italian sausage doesn't fill you (you little slut!) then $5 will get you a steak sandwich.

Instead of lighting up after your Italian liaison, nourish your soul (and hidden 6-pac) with nutella crepes and gelato.

Sei un vero italiano? You will be after tonight. Or you'll at least get Italian in you.

Taste of Little Italy starts at 7 tonight and runs until Sunday. Click here for info and times.

- Biffatello

p.s., For those who have more exotic tastes, there will be a slew of other ethnic choices out there like curry on rice, tandoori, fajitas, lab kebobs, veggie skewers, spring rolls, pad thai, mango chicken, souvlaki, etc.

This weekend in T.O.

Here's a compilation of things to do for those of you in Toronto.

On screen – Both the World Wide Short Film Festival and North by North East are running this weekend. NXNE is really a music fest (check listing for various performance, but BP don’t know from music) but also features documentaries about music and those involved in its making. The Short Films Festival shows, y’know, short films. I would recommend their Midnight Madness screenings, where all the zombie and ghost bits are shown.Various times, locations and prices. www.nxne.com and www.worldwideshortfilmfest.com

Page 666 – This is some manner of performance art event which involves celebrity obsession, sangria and cupcakes. God, cupcakes are so HOT right now. You can’t have an event without them. I’m not complaining. Fri. 7:30, Margaret, Free. http://www.toronto.com/bars_clubs/article/599170

Queer Fest West – jumping ahead of the big pride bash later this month, the Drake and Gladstone crowd celebrate being gay AND hipsters. Events include an arts and crafts fair in Trinity Bellwoods, a Bear Fair and a kickoff party Friday at the Beaver (which I hear has amazing cupcakes from a line called ‘Frostitution’). Various times, locations and prices (many events free). www.gaywest.ca

Titantric – Nautical Burlesque. I am one of those people who love a good theme event. Fri. 9:00. Comedy Bar, $15. http://www.livewithculture.ca/content/view/full/20282/ Luminat’eau – I hope it’s hot this weekend, because this bubble, water, rave and canoe event won’t be the same in a sweater and slacks. Sat-Sun, Harbourfront, Free. http://www.luminato.com/festival/eng/events/ID24/index.php

Naked Bike Ride – Sounds uncomfy, but fun to watch. Bodypainting and bicycle decorating encouraged. Sat. 11:00 pm, Coronation Park, Free. One City, One Table – They have some seriously yummy stuff in the Distillery District, and you can try it out as various chefs serve $5 meals at a 650 foot table. Sat. noon-9:00, Distillery District, $5. http://www.luminato.com/festival/eng/events/ID83/index.php

Task Party – It’s kinda like a scavenger hunt, but sans objets. You are assigned tasks to finish in the interest of group art. Sat. 3:00-7:00, Regent Park Ice Rink, Free. http://regenttask.blogspot.com/

Living Space – people making noble and interesting attempts to beautify the half-demolished Regent Park via projection art. Sun. 6:00-11:00, Regent Park, Free. http://www.luminato.com/festival/eng/events/ID34/index.php

- BP

Britney cut from Pussycat Dolls' vid

Britney won't be in the Pussycat Dolls latest video after all! Her cameo, in which she drives past the Dolls in a car and waves, has been cut from the final edit. Ouch!! No one knows yet why...but I'm sure Brit will be drowning her sorrows in a venti frap.

-T

Celebs' aliases revealed

Celebs are so clever. One doesn't have to look far for numerous examples of their intellectual prowess. They name their kids creative names (e.g., Jessica Alba's new baby, Honour), say intelligent things (e.g., Sharon Stone's karma comment regarding China's earthquake), and even attempt to deceive the media (e.g., Pete Wentz vehemently denying Ashley's pregnancy).

Celebs even come up with creative and profound aliases! Afterall, if they were to use their real name their cover would definitely get blown.

Can you guess the stars who belong to these aliases? We'll reveal tomorrow.

Dr. Winston O'Boogie was ______________.

J.T. Smith is _______________________.

Tinkerbell is _______________________.

Previous Answers:

Bruce Pilaf is Brad Pitt.
Mrs. Ross Vegas was Jennifer Aniston (while dating Brad).
Prince Albert or Harry Bollocks is Ozzy Osbourne.
Mr. Stench/Mr. Donkey is Johnny Depp.
Sigourney Beaver is Kate Beckinsale.
Charlie Chester is Prince Charles.
Jasmine Pilaf is Angelina Jolie.
Matthew Paige or Matthew Carlsson-Page is Matt Damon.
Holly Golightly is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Zelda Zonk was Marilyn Monroe.

- Biff

Surprise! No one wants to look like Perez Hilton

Perez Hilton unveiled his new clothing line at Hot Topic at a Los Angeles mall Saturday. Guess what?? No one showed up to the launch! Said one Hot Topic employee:

"ONLY 7 people showed up.SEVEN.That’s it. Mario [Perez] was BEYOND upset texting and DEMANDING the right water,food,ETC he was a rude royal pain in the ass and BEYOND crass... My manager was trying to get people to come in to meet Perez by handing out $5 gift cards NO ONE WANTED TO MEET HIM! ...he left around 8:45PM without saying goodbye to anyone & looked like he had been crying like the little bitch he is. We sold a grand total of $6.45 of Perez Hilton items between 6PM - 9PM. My manager has already talked about discounting his ‘line’!”

And they are surprised?!? No one wants to look like Perez!!

-T

Tila Tequila helped lift ban on gay marriage

Gays and lesbians in California - you have Tila Tequila to thank for influencing your state to life the ban on gay marriage! Or so she thinks. She told US, "It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

I think she is failing to realize that only about 25 people watch her show! (including me.)

-T

Celebs' aliases revealed

Celebs are so clever. One doesn't have to look far for numerous examples of their intellectual prowess. They name their kids creative names (e.g., Jessica Alba's new baby, Honour), say intelligent things (e.g., Sharon Stone's karma comment regarding China's earthquake), and even attempt to deceive the media (e.g., Pete Wentz vehemently denying Ashley's pregnancy).

Celebs even come up with creative and profound aliases! Afterall, if they were to use their real name their cover would definitely get blown.

Can you guess the stars who belong to these aliases? We'll reveal tomorrow.

Bruce Pilaf is __________________________.

Mrs. Ross Vegas is _______________________.

Prince Albert or Harry Bollocks is ___________.

Previous Answers:

Mr. Stench/Mr. Donkey is Johnny Depp.
Sigourney Beaver is Kate Beckinsale.
Charlie Chester is Prince Charles.
Jasmine Pilaf is Angelina Jolie.
Matthew Paige or Matthew Carlsson-Page is Matt Damon.
Holly Golightly is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Zelda Zonk was Marilyn Monroe.

- Biff

Canadian girl wears swastika to school

A Manitoba mother had her children taken away from her after her 7-year-old daughter showed up to school with a swastika drawing on her body. School officials also reported there being other hate-related drawings on her body.

When the mother was asked about her political beliefs she said, "I would never consider myself a neo-Nazi. I consider myself a proud Scottish chick."

She also admitted to having a personal belief in white pride and defended the use of the swastika by noting that it is based on an ancient symbol for prosperity.

The government is now before the courts in an effort to secure permanent guardianship of her daughter and 2-year-old son.

- Biff

Advert Misplacements

We're not marketing gurus but we don't think automated adverts work as well as real people. At least, we hope human editors weren't involved in these placements.

- Biff

David needs to spice up his Vlog

David Archuleta made his first vlog (video blog). He's cute and smiley but boring. He really needs to kick it up a notch. He thanks his fans a lot. Like a LOT. There, now I saved you 4 minutes.

But if you really insist....click on play.

- Biff

Britney likes to plan ahead

Britney Spears attended a film screening Sunday at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. About five minutes into the screening she got bored and started wandering around. Inspired by a book about Marilyn Monroe (who is buried in the cemetery) she decided to buy her burial plot there! A source said,

“Britney is fascinated with Marilyn and visits her grave often. Since she’s been getting her life together she’s been reading about the star and recently has been glued to a book about the actress. She’s fascinated that Marilyn asked her favourite make-up artist to make her look beautiful after she died and picked her own burial plot. So when Britney saw Rudolph Valentino’s grave at the cemetery she shrieked and said she wanted one. She told her aides: ‘I ’m going to live for ever so I want to be brought to the Forever Cemetery when I’m 101.’”

Hmm, are burial plots the new Louboutins??

-T

Free Vodka for Hillary Clinton

Svedka Vodka is running a publicity campaign featuring free vodka for the duration of the election campaign to Hillary, McCain, and Obama. All they have to do is clip the coupon out of the New York Times.

- Biff

Never invite Posh and Becks to eat at your restaurant

Victoria and David Beckham are apparently the worst tippers in Hollywood. They once ate at a restaurant and got their meal comped...and left no tip!! Ryan Seacrest, on the other hand, likes to flash his money around. He once left a $500 tip on a $100 meal! Hey Ryan - you can eat at my restaurant any day ;)

-T

Brody Jenner's latest publicity stunt

The Hills star Brody Jenner (and major douche, in my opinion), will star in his own reality tv show on MTV called Bromance. Like Paris, he is on a quest to find a new BFF. "Regular" guys from around America will live in a bachelor pad and participate in tasks to test their trust, reliability, and compatibility. To top off this Emmy contender, contestants will leave dripping wet after being eliminated in a "Hot Tub elimination ceremony."

Note to Brody, Paris, and all stars thinking of whoring themselves out in reality tv: You're not cool if you have to have a show to find a bff.

-Twila

Celebs' aliases revealed

Celebs are so clever. One doesn't have to look far for numerous examples of their intellectual prowess. They name their kids creative names (e.g., Jessica Alba's new baby, Honour), say intelligent things (e.g., Sharon Stone's karma comment regarding China's earthquake), and even attempt to deceive the media (e.g., Pete Wentz vehemently denying Ashley's pregnancy).

Celebs even come up with creative and profound aliases! Afterall, if they were to use their real name their cover would definitely get blown.

Can you guess the stars who belong to these aliases? We'll reveal tomorrow.

Mr. Stench or Mr. Donkey is ________________.

Sigourney Beaver is _______________________.

Charlie Chester is _______________________.

Jasmine Pilaf is _______________________.

Previous Answers:

Matthew Paige or Matthew Carlsson-Page is Matt Damon.
Holly Golightly is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Zelda Zonk was Marilyn Monroe.

- Biff

Madonna to divorce Guy

As Madonna sang in Evita, "I don't expect my love affairs to last for long," it appears that neither will her marriage with Guy Ritchie. Their near 8-year marriage has been rocky for months and new sources confirm these rumours.

Sources revealed that Madonna has hired one of Britain's best divorce lawyers, Nicholas Mostyn, to initiate divorce proceedings against Guy Ritchie. Madonna reportedly met with Mostyn at his London office nearly 2 weeks ago. Holy Moly also reports that Madonna and Guy do not have a pre-nup despite her racking in $72 million last year alone!

Why the split? Reports indicate that the couple is "growing apart".

- Biff

p.s., For those of you who want a Canada-Madonna connection, it will please you to know that her mother was of French-Canadian descent.

Nas' new video for "Be a Nigger Too"

Nas' politicised album Hip Hop Is Dead had a video for his song leaked yesterday. Featured above is Nas' Be a Nigger Too which (you could have guessed from its title) includes many racial epithets. The message is political in nature and is not simply about throwing around racist words.

Buy his CD on July 15!

- Biff

McDonald's is indestructible

This woman travels around with old McDonald's fries and cheeseburger and demonstrates that it doesn't break down when compared to "real" food. Although it is interesting you just know a parody is waiting to happen.

Enjoy!

- Biff

Lindsay Lohan promotes second hand clothing

Lindsay Lohan is campaigning for Visa's fashion swapping event in London, which encourages people to recycle their old clothes by swapping them for other people's old clothes. The pics of Lindsay above are of her posing in "recycled" duds for the campaign. And who better to model someone else's clothes than Lindsay, fur coat "borrower"? Her modeling skills need some work though - she needs to learn how to smile with her eyes. Any tips Biff??

-Twila